My dearest Avery,

I write to you because I can no longer take this silence we have imposed on ourselves, as if we will heal by stoicism alone. The truth is, I miss you. No, I ache for you. My body has turned on me. I woke up with everything cramped up, with more pain than I’ve ever experienced. The doctor said it was stress, that combined with the Parkinson’s, it’s to be expected. I think it is simply my body manifesting what my heart feels. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, wish for you. I dream of your body, of the warmth of your thighs and the soft trail of skin by your wrist, of the back of your neck and knees and elbows, those little places that are all ours. I dream of holding you again. Avery, I can’t do this without you. I can’t raise Madison, I can’t get through this disease, I can’t take on the world without you. I can’t live without you. I go to bed weeping for you and wake with fresh tears and though I have yet to lose it in public, I suppose it’s only a matter of time. I blame myself every day for Lucy, just as I think of her every day. If I hadn’t taken you to Italy, maybe none of this would have happened. If, if if. They all replay in my mind, every little thing we did. If I could have just stopped it. I blame myself for you, too. For letting you retreat within yourself while I went off to try and save the world. I’ve come to realize it’s all child’s play, that everything I’ve ever wanted, the power I’ve wanted is simply an illusion, boys in suits, trying to conquer what isn’t theirs to have. The only thing that matters, that has ever mattered is you and Madison, our family. Please come home to me, Avery. I can’t heal you, I can’t fix this but I can hold you and I swear to God I’ll never let go. If you fall to pieces, I will pick them up and glue them together. I would sell my soul for you if just to know you’re okay, burn the world if just to see your face. You are my world, my light, my life. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Forever yours,